打 Suicidal Thoughts|Depression 打

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

After that bombshell Oprahs interview with Meghan Markle, I thought to myself, I wasnt alone. Even the lucky lady who got Prince Harrys heart was thinking of dying and Im sorry to hear that Meghan and all those who are going through similar situations. I hope that we all can get through these crazy thoughts. This too shall pass.

Depression is quite prevalent, especially during the Pandemic period. We all had to be inside the house struggling and trying to keep ourselves sane. Each individual is battling their own demons, trying to find ways and means to continue living. From personal experience, it was never easy.

The kind of depression I felt the last year 2020 was more intense compared to other years of struggles. I blamed a lot of people for what I was going through, I hated people, I got angry, frustrated, exhausted, stressed, in pain, hurting, and even learned how to raise my voice. I was an unimaginable, out of control freak!

Being in a depressed state:

I was like finding faults in others, even with their best intentions to help. I got upset, angry, annoyed and frustrated. I wasn't the woman who used to appreciate little things but instead these people just annoys me. I felt like someone is whispering to my ears and telling me what and how to react in every situation. It was me battling with that whisperer.

I lost focus, self-esteem and confidence. That strong woman turned into a coward, less courageous, non-vibrant person. I wasnt myself, I got distracted with a lot of things in mind. I was someone else.

I tend to spend more time alone. An outgoing, sociable person shut her door to be alone, lonely and spent most of her time thinking: why am I still alive? What have I done wrong to deserve all these? Why do I have to go through these? Why am I feeling this way? Why am I abandoned, rejected, neglected? Why cant I die? What, when and how could that last breath be? Why is it difficult for me to die? Im not gonna lie, I tried but for some reason, deep inside me asked these questions: What happened if youre no longer here? How would people react? How will you face your creator if its not time for you to die yet?

I felt miserable. That very calm person turned into a grizzly bear, an angry roaring tiger. Why? Why do I have to be so angry? Why do I have to feel miserable? Why do I have to be feeling this way? Why do I hate my world, this world and their world? Why do I have to feel the harshness in this world? Or is it just me feeling this way?

I felt lost and terrible. I thought I was stronger but I was weak. I thought I dont need help, but indeed I am and I was. I thought I could handle it all by myself, I was wrong. I expected too much of myself but things got out of control until I almost gave up to the point of staging how Id end my life in this crazy world I live in.

The Breakthrough Moment. Things had to change. Perspective has to change. Outlook has to change.

I got tired of being angry, miserable, terrible, disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, upset, exhausted, depressed and feeling ugly, bloated and blaming others.

I had to take responsibilities for my actions, decisions and choices. This is my life. This my battle, this is my story and my life doesnt have to end here yet.

Life goes on with the new, refreshed and feeling energized Me. May this continue until the end of my time.

Cheers!

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Ohwell Seven

Ohwell Seven

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a Work in Progress. 蝘桐犖 Platos Allegory of the CAVE & Aristotles Eudaimonia 啜色歹 舀