Time Travel with my Memoji & Avatar Smiley 😄

My Memoji self-image through Iphone😉

When did I ever stop smiling? One of the many reflection questions I asked these days. What happened?

My Avatar self-image of yesteryears through Facebook

I was a quirky, happy-go-lucky, careless, mindless, I’d burst out laughing for silly jokes, and just a happy, colorful, motivated person in yesteryears. I used to.

I traveled through time trying to trace back memories…

Late Adolescence: I was a naive, immature, and irresponsible young lady. Celebrated parties here and there with family and friends. I didn’t mind about anything. Just go with the flow.

I fell in love, got pregnant, lost the baby, and lost the man. It scarred me. I started to feel sad.

I overworked myself trying to forget with at least 4hrs of sleep a day. A mixed part-time study and full-time work. I didn’t even feel the stressful life. I managed it well. I got inspired to learn and work. It helped me in a way.

I celebrated graduation, recognitions, and promotions. I felt happy and fulfilled.

I’ve moved on with a new job overseas, multi-cultural, I felt like in heaven full of joy and happiness. New colleagues, new acquaintances, new friends, new food. I was a social butterfly and got used to people come and go with different backgrounds.

I fell in love again but this time, it’s a long distance. Virtual communication worked at some point.

Adulthood: The love continued, visited each other’s places, enjoying the moment and holidays, cherished each other’s company. It was a beautiful and inexplicable feeling.

One day, I realized I couldn’t feel the urge to make love anymore. I checked with a Specialist and she said, I’m on “Menopause”, a Premature Ovarian Failure, and she didn’t even explain why and what it was. I wasn’t sure how to react. I was confused. I was young. I felt like I just started a new life and yet, here comes another storm.

Why? Why? Why?

I wasn’t sure how to explain to my lover that time who expected me to give him a child. His family expected him to have a baby since he’s the one and only son.

After months of trying to understand my situation, I was devastated, I was lost, I wasn’t myself. I became someone else.

I was insecure, I easily get annoyed, angry, upset without reason. I became someone I am not. Everything changed.

I couldn’t explain to my ex-lover, he couldn’t understand the changes in me. We broke up without me telling him what the issue was. I distanced myself from others, from family, colleagues, and friends. I stopped making new friends.

I felt embarrassed, ashamed, alone, it was heavy, sleepless, and hopelessness consumed me. I just wanna be gone. Be far away in a place where no one knows me.

I figured out the time I lost my smile, myself, my life, and my soul.

Wait, this is not gonna be the end.

I’ll find a way to find that reason to smile again with a sincere heart.